Most of us are obsessed with the idea of falling in love. The butterflies. The drama. The spark. But before you fall in love, know and position for the type that keeps people happiest long-term.
It isn’t the fiery, head-over-heels kind.
It’s the quiet, steady one built on friendship.
Take it from Social Scientist and Harvard professor, Arthur Brooks, who at 24 called his dad after a trip to Europe and said, “I think I met my future wife but there are a few issues.”
The woman lived in Spain, they had only been on two dates, and they didn’t speak the same language.
“She has no idea I plan to marry her,” Brooks laughed. But he was serious. A year later, he quit his job in New York and moved to Barcelona to learn Spanish and, hopefully, win her heart.
It wasn’t all perfect. Before the move, their long-distance relationship was rocky – awkward calls, letters lost in translation, constant misunderstandings.
Falling in love, he said, felt “exhilarating but emotionally draining.”
Looking back now as a social scientist, he says young people often over-romanticise the “soulmate” idea, which can lead to heartbreak if things get hard.
The truth about passionate love
Research backs this up. Falling in love is exciting, yes. But it’s not the thing that makes you happy in the long run.
In fact, intense romantic passion can leave you feeling emotionally wrecked. Some historical studies even link it to depression or suicide.
What does make people happy? Staying in love. But not just any kind of love. Its the kind based on deep friendship.
One of the longest-running studies on happiness, the Harvard Study of Adult Development, began in the 1930s and still continues today.
It shows that people who were happiest in their 80s were the ones most satisfied with their relationships in their 50s. It wasn’t about money or fame. It was about love and connection.
Not just being married but being happy in marriage. That’s a huge difference.
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Real happiness comes from compassionate love
Psychologists call the type of love that leads to happiness companionate love. It’s not built on crazy highs and lows. It’s rooted in trust, stability, mutual respect, and enjoying each other’s company.
Sound kind of boring? It seems like that at first. But
“I didn’t move to Barcelona like some lovestruck fool chasing ‘companionate love,’” Arthur Brooks admitted. But it was compassionate love that sustained his relationship to the same woman that would later become his wife. And they’ve been married 30 years.
Today, they text about 20 times a day and genuinely like being around each other. “She’s not just the love of my life, she’s my best friend,” he says.
That’s the key. Passion fades. But best friends laugh together, support each other, and make life feel lighter, even during hard times.
One study (Journal of Happiness Studies) even said: “The well-being benefits of marriage are much greater for those who also regard their spouse as their best friend.”
A little humour goes a long way
There’s a fun story about a US former President, Calvin Coolidge, and his wife, Grace. Touring a farm, Mrs. Coolidge noticed that one rooster could fertilise many eggs a day.
She smiled and said, “You should tell that to Mr. Coolidge.” The president overheard and asked if the rooster did it with the same hen. The farmer said no, many hens.
“Tell that to Mrs. Coolidge,” he replied. A cheeky joke but the couple had the kind of friendship that kept things fun. Although the joke suggests being with multiple partners might be better, another study counters that assumption.
A 2004 study of 16,000 adults also proves this. The study found that people were happiest when they’d had just one sexual partner in the past year.
So while society loves to glamorise variety, happiness often comes from deep, monogamous connection.
That said, your partner shouldn’t be your only friend. A University of Michigan study found that married people who had at least one or two other close friends were generally more satisfied and less depressed. So yes, have your person, but don’t lose your circle.
At the end of the day, passionate love might make great poetry, but friendship is what makes real life joyful.
According to a German philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche, who never married, “it is not the absence of love but the absence of friendship that makes marriages unhappy.” It maybe sound awkward from a guy who never took a wife – it’s true nonetheless.
Three decades later, Brooks, the same man who moved to Barcelona chasing a language he didn’t speak still wakes up beside the woman he fell for.
Their love has been through highs, lows, and parenting three kids who may just repeat his wild romantic mistakes. But through it all, they remain best friends.
And for him, that’s the real fairytale. “Hers, I pray, will be the face I see as I draw my last breath – her image one substance with my soul,” he says.
